Why is changing so hard?

So, a few things happened over these last couple of weekends that got me thinking.

It's been a long struggle for me over the years to live the life I want to live and to mold myself into the person I want to be. And I've had more relapses then I'm willing to admit.

I wasn't always such a nice person. Actually, I was a downright b*tch. I had alot happen in my life that made me lash out and hate everyone, feel the need to break free and turn my back on it all, feel the pressure to prove myself and I was cold. Very cold. I didn't shed a tear no matter what happened.

There were a few years of my life where I felt I had finally reached the balance in my life and in me, as a woman. They were the happiest and most peaceful years of my life.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long.

Now, I am overly friendly, am a mother hen to all my friends, wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. I'm pathetic.

The thing is, such an extreme change in character has opened the doors to being hurt, taken advantage of, betrayed and leaving any Joe Blow feeling they have the confidence to say whatever they damn well please to me.

And everytime something like that happens, I can feel the old Aurora coming back. It's like the transformation of the incredible Hulk. Seriously. My face feels hot, it's red as a tomato, my hands start to shake and I can almost feel my blood boil. (I know that makes me sound scary, but unfortunately that is one trait I inherited from my Sicilian ancestors: a very bad temper)

Yet, I say nothing. The new Aurora, the nice Aurora, the 'do unto others' Aurora wins out. And I honestly have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad. All I know is that when I walk away without taking the opportunity to speak up for myself or my family, I'm left days with simmering anger.

Unfortunately, I admit the new Aurora tends to take alot and then without explanation I blow up at the final straw. So it is partly my fault for by staying quiet, these so-called friends or complete strangers are conditioned to think it is okay to walk all over me.

Due to recent events that I won't get into, my husband gave me a stern talking to. He said I am way too nice and I need to stop being this way. He, on the other hand, is not very friendly with people at all. I've asked him to be a little more friendly over the years together and he has softened a bit, but I am beginning to think he had it right to begin with.

This afternoon my husband made it clear to me he is no longer Mr. Nice Guy with anybody but family. He is polite, don't get me wrong but cordial polite. Not friendly polite.

After the track record I've had these past few years of being walked on and losing friends for not saying things sooner, I think he's right.

And I hate to admit, that because of all this, I've grown to be quite a complainer and I have grown to become irritated much to quickly. I am no longer the calm, take it in stride Aurora I was a few years back. And I miss that.

I miss the woman I was just a few short years ago. It seems I was much smarter and more balanced then.

So, after an afternoon alone with my thoughts, I've made some decisions.

I am no longer going to complain.
I am no longer going to look at the pessimistic side of things.
I am no longer going to allow people to 'sting' me with their words/actions.
I am no longer going to open my heart to just anyone.
I am no longer going to worry what people will think of me if I do or say something.
I am no longer going to let people manipulate me.
I am no longer going to let my temper get the better of me.

I am going to focus on me.
I am going to focus on my husband.
I am going to smile more.
I am going to be more optimistic.
I am going to be firm.
I am going to say and do what I feel is right in the moment.
I am going to move forward every day.
I am going to let go of the past.
I am going to let other's be angry.
I am going to make the line more visible to others.
I am going to rid myself of all negative thoughts.
I am going to distance myself from people who won't be in my life in a year.
I am going to be more calm.
I am going to curb my temper.
I am going to surround myself with only people I want near me.
I am going to think happy thoughts.
I am going to be happy, secure, confident and balanced.

And I am going to log it all here in my blog. I need to 'see' myself accomplish these things.

*phew*

Well, what a way to start the week. A little soul-searching and resolution making. :)

I am going to succeed :)